I am a drunk
By Fr. John Whiteford

Hello, my name is John, and I am a drunk.
I want to be sober. I long for sobriety. This is how my therapist described it: silence of the heart, guarding of the mind, attention to oneself. Yes,
all the things I am not.
I am drunk on feelings. They wash in and out of my heart and I revel in them. Sometimes, its joy and desire and passion and sometimes its depression, hate,
and anger. Once I take the first sip, I cannot stop but want more and more and more. Even sadness and depression becomes quite intoxicating. And so, I
stagger and roar from the bottom of my heart. There is no silence there.
Guard the mind? No, I am drunk on images and my mind is wide open. The media is my drink of choice. Once I take a mental sip, I want more and more. There
are so many bars to drink in the images. The television is full of them and the internet is my best bottle. Movies and magazines all help to keep me drunk!
My mind is so filled with images that I can hardly pray without them popping up and darkening my mind. The thing is, I’ve been an image drunk since I was
a child. Mom put the bottle to our lips when we were children by sitting us in front of the television. (It was a great baby-sitter). My father kept pornography
around the house, so sensuous images are a constant. Strangely, I often walk past the images of the Holy Ones that I have in my house and I barely notice
them.
I pay no attention to myself because I’m too busy observing the faults and shortcomings of others. Spending all my time judging, I sit in on the bar stool
of the scornful. My sins come and go with ease because in my judgmental and drunken haze, I rarely notice them. Therefore, I have no real idea who I am
or what motivates me, but like strong liquor, my pride makes me swagger with the claim that I am a fine man and nothing like those other drunks. After
all, unlike the others, I can quit anytime I like.
Sobriety! One day at a time – one step at a time – trust in the “Higher Power” – be accountable – ask for forgiveness from those you have offended – make
no excuses for yourself - do the therapy – attend the Meetings – take the Medicine -read the Books - meet with your counselor – its all important.
Or…be a drunk!