We remember the words of the Prophet David in the Book of Psalms when he says: “I am weary with my groaning; I make my bed flood every night with my tears” (Psalm 6:6).
Why did the Prophet David get tired of sighing? And what hot tears he shed all night long was he talking about? This image of David may seem to some to be full of gloom, but in truth, when David repeated this prayer, his heart was full of hope and inner joy. And nothing drew him to all these spiritual struggles, all-night vigils, meditation, contemplation, and repentance, except the sweetness of life with God, from which the worries of the day kept him distant.
This is the image of every believer who tries to penetrate into his inner self, to experience there this deep struggle in his sincerity, placing all his concerns and mobilizing all his energies during the day, in order to purify the heart from the sediments of life and acquire spiritual experiences with God.
It is not very easy to dive inward and encounter God there, but the attempt to do so, if not sincere, is harmful. Spiritual struggles, when practiced in depth, do their job and give consolation. This is what we call spiritual life. But when these attempts are practiced superficially, this harms spiritual life. There are certain indicators and characteristics that test the truth and sincerity of our spiritual struggles.
Spiritual struggle is work directed toward a personal relationship with God, not toward legalistic relationships. All spiritual labors are put in the service of personal knowledge of God, not to obey laws or perform duties. This does not mean not keeping the laws. For keeping the law is not doing works, but reaching its goal.
Staying up all night is not a commandment or an obligation, but a spiritual exercise that opens the eyes of the worshiper to the divine presence. This is what spiritual struggle means. Spiritual struggle does not mean mere fatigue, but a deep, attentive attempt to build a personal experience and history with the Lord. Spiritual struggle is the fatigue of building a personal history between man and God, and its nature goes beyond the relationship based on need, fear, or commandment. These boundaries, that is, need or fear, are fragile boundaries that do not stand up to adversity, and therefore struggle, when it is superficial, cracks in the face of daily adversity, duties, occupations, or interests.
There are two types or paths to spiritual struggle: a true path, which is the path of personal experience, and a false path, which is the path of keeping laws, commandments, or religious appearances. The path of personal experience is a strong, true, and profound path that dissects the human being from within. As for laws, they are an easy-to-provide cover, but they build a fragile life, so that the spiritual life does not become a force that the human being can depend on in his life…
Spiritual struggle within the framework of nomsa or knowledge offers nothing but the law. While spiritual struggle, based on humility and self-knowledge, offers strength to persevere in adversity. Therefore, superficial spiritual struggle sees adversity as unbearable, blames God for it, justifies itself, and considers that God does not support, listen, or hear prayers. But true, deep spiritual struggle sees adversity as a test, even a divine visitation. In superficial spiritual struggle, we pass through adversity as external circumstances and blame God for it. But in true struggle, we pass through adversity knowing that God tests His beloved and that He refines them in the crucible like gold. Thus, in true struggle between us and God, every external circumstance becomes an instrument for self-knowledge, and becomes a test of our love for God. But practicing the labors superficially and laxly, makes even the commandments we keep a pharisaical matter that generates pride and blaming others, even blasphemy against God. Practicing virtues, in their true meaning in spiritual struggle, means forming the energy and spiritual ability to stand firm with God in the hardships of life. But in the false struggle, practicing virtues only means justifying oneself by saying that we are in the required religious commitment. Spiritual struggle changes the being. While superficiality in struggle focuses on changing only some behaviors. “My son, give me your heart and I will give you the desire of your heart.” This is the language of spiritual struggle, the language of the heart. While in the false struggle, exchanges are legal and keeping the law becomes the price of justification. Spiritual struggle in its depth, when it touches the heart, makes us seek the One we need, and rely on God to throw off our shoulders many things in life that we do not need. While superficial spiritual struggle with God creates a spiritual bazaar, demanding a price for every action, every virtue, and every practice, and does not pay attention to the purity of the heart. If the superficial person buys justification before God through his actions, then deep spiritual struggle, for those who practice it, makes them think about their relationship with God, the relationship of others with them, and God’s relationship with others. The struggle becomes existential and realistic, not a plea for forgiveness, mercy, or fear of what we call the divine presence in a person’s life.
Spiritual struggle, in the language of the heart, is that which wounds us because of the divine love within us. Spiritual struggle, in the language of the heart, desires that there be nothing else in us but divine love. While superficial spiritual struggle is the practices we do to share things in the heart between God and the self. Thus, many colors of love remain in the heart and we think that we offer some times or some struggles as sacrifices to God who awaits them. Therefore, in spiritual struggle, self-absorption becomes beloved, as David said: “I am weary with my groaning”; he stays up all night and wets his bed with his tears, but his heart was full of consolations, because this struggle is fundamentally a struggle with personal freedom, it is a request to enter into deeper experiences with God.
Forcing myself means always trying a little more than I can. If I can stand for an hour, the few minutes I add are spiritual struggle. Spiritual struggle does not mean killing the human body, but also not letting it rest. Spiritual struggle means offering a little more than is natural. Spiritual struggle in fasting is to feel a little hungry. Spiritual struggle in prostrations is to feel a little tired. In this way, a person trains, his energy increases, and his stature increases.
How do we begin our spiritual struggle? How do we decide to offer this little bit above and beyond what is available and above what is natural now? It is the beautiful verse from the Book of Psalms, “Your face, O Lord, I seek” (Psalm 27:8). This is a prayer that means that God is training us. He appears and disappears. He appears when we are tired and struggling, and He disappears when we are lazy. When God’s face disappears from life and in prayer, it means that God has prepared for us an opportunity for a greater struggle than we are accustomed to.
“Give blood and take life,” this is the price of spiritual life, this is the method of spiritual struggle in its depth. And all the labors of virtue and other struggles, if they do not seek the face of God and if they do not relate to the divine presence, are labors with very little fruit, if they are not false, if they do not also become harmful.
“I am tired of my sighing. Every night I bathe my bed with my tears” seeking the face of God, divine satisfaction, and divine presence. Amen.
Metropolitan Boulos Yazigi
Quoted from the letter of the Archdiocese of Aleppo
